What Emotional Labor Means and How to Rebalance It in Your Relationship
What Emotional Labor Means and How to Rebalance It in Your Relationship
Emotional labor refers to the often-invisible effort involved in managing feelings—both your own and others’—to keep things running smoothly. Unlike physical or mental tasks, emotional labor is about the ongoing emotional energy that helps maintain harmony and connection.
Becoming a parent can be one of life’s most rewarding—and demanding—transitions. This often invisible emotional work can shape the health and harmony of your relationship during this delicate time. In this post, we’ll explore what emotional labor means, how it impacts couples (especially new parents), and what you can do to restore balance.
What Is Emotional Labor in a Relationship?
In relationships, emotional labor might look like anticipating your partner’s needs before they ask, feeling responsible for bringing up issues and then managing *how* to engage in those conversations, or remembering special dates in order to maintain closeness. Unlike physical or mental tasks, emotional labor is about the ongoing emotional energy that helps maintain closeness and connection within the relationship.
While it’s a natural part of any close relationship, problems arise when one person consistently carries most of this hidden workload. Over time, that imbalance can lead to stress, resentment, and emotional exhaustion if it’s not acknowledged and shared.
For example, one partner may take on the role of keeping things calm, diffusing tension during sleepless nights or parenting disagreements, even when they’re just as exhausted. That same partner might be the one who notices disconnection, suggests date nights, or tries to improve communication — effectively managing the emotional health of the relationship.
Studies have shown that in many heterosexual couples, women carry a larger share of this emotional and mental work, which can lead to resentment or burnout if left unaddressed. Recognizing this imbalance is the first step toward changing it.
Is the Mental Load Similar to Emotional Labor?
While the terms are related, they’re not identical. The mental load refers to the cognitive burden of managing tasks—keeping track of what needs to be done and when. Emotional labor, on the other hand, involves the emotional energy spent supporting others, smoothing conflicts, or maintaining harmony. Often, these two overlap in relationships, especially during stressful life stages like early parenthood.
How Emotional Labor Challenges New Parents
For new parents, emotional labor can intensify dramatically. If there is an imbalance, it can quietly strain relationships. This could mean one parent worrying about whether the baby is eating enough, sleeping safely, or hitting milestones — and emotionally absorbing that anxiety for both parents. It can also look like friends and family checking in with one parent (commonly the mother) for updates, advice, or reassurance, leaving that person to manage not just their partner’s emotions, but everyone else’s too.
When one person carries most of the emotional load, they may feel unseen or unsupported, while the other may not even realize the imbalance exists. Research suggests that dissatisfaction around household and emotional responsibilities is one of the leading predictors of relationship tension for new parents.
Tips to Help Ease Emotional Labor
Easing emotional labor starts with awareness and teamwork. Here are a few ways couples can begin to share the load more equitably:
Name what’s happening. Simply acknowledging the concept of emotional labor can help both partners see invisible work more clearly.
Divide responsibilities intentionally. Instead of one person keeping all the mental and emotional checklists, share the tasks and follow through together.
Schedule emotional check-ins. Make space for honest conversations about how you’re feeling and what you each need.
Release perfection. Let go of the idea that everything must be done perfectly—it’s okay to delegate, simplify, or ask for help.
Consider relationship counseling. Working with a therapist can help couples develop communication skills, empathy, and balance. Learn more about my counseling services here.
Helpful Resources About Emotional Labor
If you’d like to dive deeper into the topic, here are some helpful resources:
Book: Emotional Labor: The Invisible Work Shaping Our Lives and How to Claim Our Power by Rose Hackman.
Book: The Second Shift by Arlie Hochschild.
Podcast: The Parenthood and Relationship Podcast — An episode titled “Mental and Emotional Labor in Your Relationship.”
Article: “Emotional Labor and What’s Really Upsetting Women” – Article by Sue Johnson (relationship therapist) that explains how emotional labor impacts women in relationships. Dr. Sue Johnson - Creating Connection
Contact a Relationship Counselor to Discuss New Parenting
Emotional labor doesn’t have to quietly erode your relationship. With awareness, communication, and support, couples can find new balance and connection during the parenting journey. If you’re feeling overwhelmed or disconnected, I’m here to help.
Contact me today to schedule a session and start building a more balanced, emotionally connected partnership.